in between

9 days have gone by so fast after losing a loved one. 9 days, and yet I still feel like I haven’t cried enough.

I don’t know, but I feel like just minding my feelings. If this is selfish, then so be it.

I’m not sure if it was me, my MDD with anxious distress, or the medication.

I feel like I haven’t cried enough, and yet the tears won’t fall. I want to get angry and blame someone for what I am feeling right now. The Lord? The universe? I don’t know.

I feel so restless. What do I do? Can I just sleep forever and feel nothing?

And just like that, April took someone away from me again.

Today is Lola’s birthday. A few days from now, it’s Papa’s death anniversary and his birthday.

Now, a loved one is fighting to stay with us. A week in the hospital, and it seems like we’re not getting the results we want. And I can’t even pick up my phone and call because I’m afraid I’ll just cry.

April, why are you always like this? Why do I have to feel such big emotions every April while I’m still breathing?

It feels like I don’t have the right to process my emotions one moment at a time.

Do I really deserve to be happy?

Today, I confirmed that it wasn’t a maybe anymore. It’s back, recurring, with things we didn’t expect.

So today wasn’t a maybe. It hurts to see him frustrated and hurt, but I’m proud he was led to something that makes him stand out. Either way, he doesn’t deserve that. Maybe this is just empathy.

But why does it hurt like this, enough to make my tears fall?

How do you say you were hurt to people who are hurting? Do you say it like you don’t know what they’re going through? Do you say it gently when you know, for a fact, that whatever tone you use, they will interpret it the way they want? Or do you just write it off, let it go, and keep in mind where you stand in their lives?

Maybe, just maybe, the latter. We don’t overinterpret their words, even if it hurts us, because there might be a different meaning. It’s not being a masochist. It’s being realistic. It’s giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe, just maybe, people feel it: the change, the pain, the silence. They just keep it, for whatever reason they have, mostly thinking it will save the relationship.

Last for today:

What kind of feeling is this? My thoughts keep running, my heart is racing, and tears are at the edge.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope it’s just me overthinking. I don’t want to walk on eggshells for God knows how long.

It’s better if I’m wrong. 🙃

It’s funny how I can write my real feelings, yet they only land the way others choose to interpret them, labeling them as something that might not even be the context.

Never again.

Two words, yet they strike whether you received them or gave them. They leave a pang.

But quietly, you have to choose them. It is gentler than staying in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Gentler than being with people you thought understood you.

But most importantly, I should know better. I should ask, even when it is hard, rather than putting words in their mouth and hurt myself

It has to stay coded, discreet. Yet somehow, words and actions betray me in ways I didn’t expect. Emojis turn special. “How are you?” feels warm. “Soon” and “later” become something to look forward to.

2 . 17 . 2026

You know it’s not okay when sleeping too much becomes possible. 11 hours. Not straight, but definitely long.

It stung in every way possible, quietly.

2.10.26

and maybe, just maybe, I like him in the most genuine way one can like someone.