It's been a while. I thought I would be able to write the story of how it began first, but for some reason, the universe has its own way of throwing in a plot twist or interrupting people's plans. Or maybe it's the one from above? Honestly, I am not sure anymore, 'cause it feels like the universe, the economy, and everything else is conspiring to what is happening.

It was May 22, 2026, 2:36 AM, May 21, 2026, 11:36 AM, his time, when I received a message from him that, unfortunately, our working relationship had come to an end. I was looking at my phone for God knows how long, rereading the message over and over. First, just reading it the way we read messages we received, second, reading it in a more focused mood, third, understanding every word it says, and the rest? Wishing it wasn't true. I mean, who wouldn't want to stay in a job where you can speak your mind freely without being invalidated? Plus, I am learning things that I didn't think I needed, and having a boss with such a warm and understanding personality, more than he thinks he is.

It was kind of him to assure me it wasn't a reflection of my value as an employee, but my anxiety is saying otherwise, which makes me feel like he's been so careful with his words, which I truly appreciate. It's just that my MDD and anxious distress are so loud that it makes me doubt things, the unanticipated things that arrive like a sudden gust of wind. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm in denial?

But despite these unanticipated events, I'm thankful I applied to his job posting and learned new things that have equipped me professionally and personally. I'm thankful I've experienced being seen and heard. And it feels nice.

We said we'll keep in touch, and I mean it. But it hasn't been a week yet; it feels strange not to have a call to look forward to, not to ask him how his day has been so far, or how his sleep was. It's unbelievable. lol It wasn't the first time I lost a job, or stopped doing things I used to do, but I'd say it feels strangely different from those.

Maybe, just maybe, the impact of unanticipated things is louder than those that we have foreseen and look forward to?

Maybe, just maybe, I just need time to adjust. I was on the verge of sharing this strange feeling with him, but I don't want him to think he's responsible for how I feel. That said, I am writing my thoughts with the hope that the next few days will be better for him and me. I hope one day I'll hear how he's been successful in the things that make him happy, or, if it isn't too much to hope for, maybe, just maybe, the universe will allow me to work with him again.

The miles might be farther than they were before, but maybe, just maybe, it's what's for the best, for him, and even for me.

Until then, I'll focus on stability, honesty, and genuine intentions.

M

P.S I hope he won't see this. Or, if he does, he'll pretend he does not. HAHAHA

photo credits to him :)

So… I mentioned it might be the last time I wrote about them here. This is the next installment, lol.

I’m so hesitant to write about him, I mean, after … But I guess I’ve made peace with that.

I’m not sure if being on the same medication builds this kind of invisible string, lol.

Three months felt like a year, honestly, and I’m not sure if that’s normal. The ups and downs I felt were crazy. I wanted to write about it from the beginning, but I wasn’t sure if this was the right platform to do that. But anyway, here’s something I can write.

So, this job is the most unique one I’ve had. Not because it’s extraordinary, but because it sometimes feels unreal, or maybe I’m just not used to it.

Yesterday, on 4/21, my 4/22, we were talking on the phone while he was doing his daily walk. We’ve not been on video calls for a while now, so yesterday was unexpected. I’m thankful for the cute snail he came across, the koi pond, and the pretty clouds in LA. He turned on his camera and showed them. Of course, it was his face I saw first, and it’s crazy that it felt like the first time I saw him. It sounds over the top, but yeah, I was stunned. The snail was cute, the koi pond was beautiful, and LA’s clouds and landscape that day were picturesque. It was a productive call, I would say. I hope it was on his end, too, haha.

I asked him if he could snap a photo for me, and he did. I honestly wanted to paint them. I just couldn’t. I mean, I can’t find the courage to do so, which is sad.

I decided I won’t resign or leave yet. Not because he took photos! Because I remember that he believed in me when I was so close to accepting rejection. So, I decided to stay until he says he no longer wants to work with me.

photo credits to him :)

I can still vividly remember how beautiful his smile is, how pretty his eyes are, and the haircut, I think, that suits him well, even when he is wearing a cap. Like what I hope for most people in my life, I’ll pray for his happiness and clarity, and that he never makes himself small or compromises too much, because he deserves genuine love, care, and happiness.

He has helped me in ways that sometimes seem invisible, but have a big impact on my life and perspective. And I appreciate everything. I hope he knows that.

Although I’ve always wondered if I am, or ever was, a help to him, I can’t bring myself to ask. I hope I find the courage before it’s too late.

Until then,

M

Today, let me write about them for the last time here. Maybe, just maybe, he inspired me to write about my dreams, about my feelings, or maybe there’s something in me that wanted these writings to reach them on their own. And maybe, just maybe, it was me processing all the feelings one at a time.

So let’s write about him first.

I’ve always wanted to dream about my uncle since he passed away, but surprisingly, I didn’t dream about him. I dreamt about him, the guy I once thought was my one and only lol, the one I finally had closure with last November 2025.

In the dream, he was always beside me, traveling to Manila, meeting my friends, and celebrating my birthday. It was so vivid that I remember how he smiled at me and at the people I love. It didn’t make my heart race. It made me wonder why, but not in a way to dwell on or overthink, not in a way that made me anxious.

But why do I write about him here? Maybe because it’s nice to feel comfort when you’re grieving. It was nice to see a familiar face. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s about having the person you once wished for, even if only in a vivid dream.

We are no longer in communication, and I don’t feel hurt. If anything, I feel relieved. It feels like the chapter is finally closed. A decade or so in the making, worth every tear? I’m not sure, lol.

I’ll end it here. I can’t think of words to write, maybe because I’ve run out of them, like how I’ve run out of feelings.

M

04.22.2026

Today wasn’t a maybe. Not what I feel about him, but what I feel about anything lately. It’s like words finally came before my eyes closed to sleep, or so I thought. I fell asleep in the middle of writing this. Lol.

I’m not sure if this means I’m back to square one, if it’s lighter, or not. But one thing I know is that it might have been triggered by the feeling of being an option and the uncertainty of things in this world.

Do you know why it’s sadder than before? Because it involves people who said the right things but did the opposite, and things that I learned to love.

This time, I don’t have any harmful thoughts, but my mind keeps running. It either lets me sleep, or it won’t allow me to at all.

I’m tired of not getting the usual sleep. I’m tired of not being productive or fueled the way I was a month ago. I’m tired of conversations in general. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like checking on people and things the way I used to, and I don’t feel sorry for it.

It makes me feel nothing. You’re annoyed that I reply shortly? I don’t care. Angry at me for something I did? I don’t care. I just don’t care, and the only thing I care about is what I’m feeling.

Is it bad? I’m not sure, but I’m not sorry.

I’m not crying while I write this. That’s unusual.

Am I drained? Feeling empty? Or did my empathy just walk out on me?

I just hope it ends.

I’m tired.

If you’re in the Philippines, you can contact:

NCMH Crisis Hotline

📞 1553 (landline)

📞 0966-351-4518

📞 0917-899-8727

They’re confidential and free.

M